


(Blackbird) In the Dead of Night

by siroswins



Category: Pitch Perfect (2012)
Genre: F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 04:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siroswins/pseuds/siroswins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Aubrey struggles to deal with failure, Jessica has a lot to say, and maybe, just maybe, fresh wounds begin to heal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Title from the Beatles' "Blackbird".</p>
            </blockquote>





	(Blackbird) In the Dead of Night

Failure is a part of life Aubrey refuses to acknowledge. Even though, deep down, she knows it exists as a possibility constantly looming over her head, she pretends that if she refuses to acknowledge it, it simply won't happen.

But pretend is a child's game, and Aubrey should know better.

Failure does happen. It happens in the form of less than perfect marks on a test, a belt just shy of hitting the right note, vomit covering an entire three rows in Lincoln Center. Failure has a way of showing up a lot in Aubrey's life, no matter how hard she tries to avoid it.

She shouldn't have to face this much failure, not when she knows she can do better. She is a Posen, and Posens are always perfect. Posens are intelligent, capable, driven beings with the ability to reach anything they set their sights on. She should know. Her father has been telling her so for as long as Aubrey can remember.

Aubrey had been surrounded by Perfect Posens her entire life. Everyone in her family was Successful and Important and Making Their Mark. And they all owed their successes to no one but themselves, for Posens know that they must Work Hard for everything, or else it really isn't worth anything. Failure, even in a young Aubrey Posen, wasn't tolerated by anyone.

But then there was Chloe. Chloe was comfort and passion and steadfast reassurance that even if Aubrey wasn't perfect, she was still unconditionally loved. Chloe was Aubrey's anchor to reality, the one thing in her life she knew would always be there with a comforting hug and reassuring words. If Aubrey was being honest with herself, she would go so far as to say Chloe was the only person she truly loved.

But Chloe wasn't there anymore. Oh, she had never left, but her attention had shifted drastically towards a new ship to anchor. _Beca fucking Mitchell._

Chloe would brush it off as nothing, that Beca was nothing more than a reasonably-talented singer with countless ideas for the Bellas. But Aubrey knows better, and she suspects that deep down, Chloe knows too.

It's evident in the way Chloe lights up whenever Beca enters the rehearsal room (usually late, as Aubrey always duly notes), or when Chloe subconsciously gravitates toward Beca no matter the choreography or where she was standing beforehand. It's evident in the way that Chloe always finds a way to somehow incorporate Beca into the conversation, and the way she always has a smile on her face when discussing her. Chloe Beale is in love with Beca fucking Mitchell, and it makes Aubrey sick.

Physically sick, even, as today's Bellas rehearsal demonstrated. What happened today could easily be explained off as too much stress from this year and the last finally boiling over, but Aubrey knew that there were other reasons factored in. If it wasn't fighting with Chloe (which she hated doing on any occasion), it was fighting with Chloe over _Beca fucking Mitchell_.

It wasn't just that Beca fucking Mitchell being Chloe's new fixation upset Aubrey; she likes to think that she's better than that. No, it started from when she first laid eyes on the alt girl that day on the quad, a girl no more suited for the Bellas than a member of the High Notes. Beca fucking Mitchell was the exact opposite of what a Barden Bella should be; she would directly interfere with Aubrey's plans for a return to finals this year.

But Beca fucking Mitchell did have quite the voice, Aubrey had to give her that much. Perhaps if she hadn't dissed a capella so early on, Aubrey might not hate her so much.

No, on second thought, Aubrey would hate her all the same. Because Beca fucking Mitchell gave the bare minimum of the required effort. Because Beca fucking Mitchell challenged everything Aubrey said. Because Beca fucking Mitchell was the center of Chloe's attention and _dammit_ Aubrey was jealous.

And now Beca fucking Mitchell was in charge of finals. Because Aubrey failed to keep the group together and Beca fucking Mitchell was the one to put the pieces back together and lead them in an admittedly excellent mashup earlier today in the pool. Beca fucking Mitchell succeeded where Aubrey failed. Beca fucking Mitchell succeeded in what Aubrey had been focusing on all year; Aubrey's last chance to redeem herself.

Aubrey looked back on the day's earlier events and mentally berated herself for her failure in both leading the Bellas and keeping control of her emotions. Once the high from the mashup had ended (Because they finally might win this thing! They sound so awesome together!), the crash had hit her all too soon. Once again, she had failed to stay true to the Posen name. It didn't matter that now the Bellas might have a real shot at winning finals, because Aubrey wasn't the one leading them. Aubrey was no longer in control, was now nothing more than a playing piece in someone else's game.

The night air was deceivingly chilly despite the Georgian springtime, but felt good against Aubrey's face. The impromptu pool session had ended hours ago, but Aubrey hadn't returned to the dorm she shared with Chloe just yet. She couldn't bear to face anyone right now, not even Chloe. _Especially_   Chloe. She saw the way Chloe was looking at Beca during the mashup, and how Beca was looking at her.

Aubrey finally stopped walking to lean against the side of a building, catching her breath as the memories of earlier bombarded her. She _wanted_ to be mad at Beca. She _tried_ to be mad at Beca. But she couldn't, not when she had willingly surrendered control of the Bellas to the girl she knew would be able to lead them to victory, not when she saw how happy she made Chloe. As much as she wanted Chloe for herself, she couldn't come between her and Beca.

Instead, she supposed that she would now just have to deal with her personal failure in both her Bella leadership, and her relationship with Chloe.

"Aubrey?"

She snapped to attention, quickly composing herself as she turned to face the new voice. "Jessica?" She blinked in confusion. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"Late night study group," the younger girl gestured to the science lab behind her. "We just finished up." She paused for a moment, almost hesitant to question the Bella captain. "Um, what are you doing out here? It's almost one. Bellas practice ended hours ago."

"I just needed the fresh air," Aubrey half-lied, "It's been a long day. But I've had enough, I was just going back to my dorm now."

"Oh," Jessica didn't look completely convinced, but she smiled anyway. "Why don't we walk together? You live in the Holland dorms, right? You'd pass my dorm on the way there. I live in Hensley."

"Um, sure." She moved to join Jessica, desperately trying to remain composed and in control of her thoughts. The sudden switch was nothing new to her (many a time she had to control herself as her father scolded her for another failure), but this situation was... different. Jessica was the polar opposite of Aubrey's father, but in a way, she was more scarier. Whereas Aubrey had early on nailed down the way to get through her father's lectures as quickly and painlessly as possible (stand straight, don't show any emotion, don't look down), she had no idea what to expect from Jessica. Not that the girl was going to lecture her or anything, Aubrey knew, but if Aubrey let herself slip...

“We sounded awesome tonight, didn't we?” Jessica smiled, interrupting her thoughts. “Just like the riff-off. We're going to kill at finals.”

“Yeah,” Aubrey forced herself to switch mindsets, “we did sound great. Beca really knows what she's doing.”

“What songs do you think we'll do? I know everyone else was suggesting songs as we left the pool, but I had to go to that study session. I missed the first half hour because of Bellas.”

“I don't know what songs, I thought I'd leave the mashups to Beca.”

“I think some Beyoncé would be awesome,” Jessica continued, not picking up on Aubrey's less-than enthusiastic tone. “So we can still stick with that whole “songs made famous by women” rule. And what woman is more famous than Beyoncé?”

“That's definitely a possibility,” Aubrey half-listened. “So,” she said suddenly, “what were you doing in your study session anyway? I thought that science lab was used for upperclassmen classes.”

“Um,” Jessica blushed, “that's because I'm in an upperclassmen class? A few, actually. I took a lot of courses last year and over the summer at the local community college. I'm studying astronomy.”

“Astronomy, really?” Aubrey looked incredulously at the other girl. “I would never have guessed that as your major. But that's so cool! How come I'm just finding out about this?”

Jessica shrugged. “No one asked.”

Aubrey realized then that she really didn't know much about Jessica, other than she was a soprano and a freshman. Which really wasn't anything at all.

The silence that overcame them made Aubrey uncomfortably squirm. Not only did an awkward situation become even more awkward, but without a conversation to distract her, Aubrey's thoughts were quickly slipping back to those of failure and Chloe.

"It hurt, you know," Jessica suddenly spoke up.

Aubrey looked over at her. "Pardon?"

Everything came out in a rush. "Earlier today, when you said that it was like Ashley and I hadn't been there the whole time? It really hurt. I mean, I get that you were really stressed, and tensions were high, but it basically reaffirmed what I felt like all year. Most everyone else in the group, their personalities stand out more. Combined with all of the drama with Beca, and Fat Amy having some retort for everything anyone says, and Stacie flirting with everyone, and Cynthia Rose watching Stacie flirt with everyone, and Lilly saying some scary stuff I think we should be a lot more concerned about... well, the rest of us just fade into the background."

"You guys are a central part of the group," Aubrey automatically retorted. "Without you three, we wouldn't be able to compete, and..." She let herself trail off. Not only does she know how ridiculous it sounds, but she knows that Jessica is right.

"And today," Jessica continued as if Aubrey never spoke, "when everyone was sharing their secrets, Ashley and I never did. Denise sort of did, but only because of what Cynthia Rose said. No one even gave us a second glance."

"You could have said something," Aubrey weakly offered.

"And said what? "Hey guys, you forgot about us!" And Fat Amy would have said "And you are?"" Jessica bit out the last part, staring angrily at the ground as her hands were jammed forcibly in her coat pockets. "And that might have been a joke, or maybe not, but it wouldn't matter because everyone else would have laughed all the same and acted like it was some big joke and then moved on with their lives. I can't speak for Ashley or Denise, but I don't think I'd want to share anything personal with these so-called "friends" anyway."

"Jessica, I..." Aubrey found herself, again, at a loss for words.

"It doesn't matter," the other girl was noticeably more calm now, though she still kept her gaze locked to the ground, and her words still came out a bit rushed. "It's no big deal, I'm sorry for bursting out like that. I'm acting like a child. I just thought," she gave a weak smile, "that college would be my time to shine, but it's hard to do so when everyone around you is doing the same. I'll have my time eventually, I suppose."

"No, Jessica, it is a big deal." Aubrey stopped on the sidewalk, grabbing Jessica by the arm to stop her as well. "I had no idea you felt this way, and I should have paid more attention to you and Ashley and Denise. We're a team, and we can't function properly if we have so many unsettled tensions beneath the surface.

"And this goes for everyone," she added, a certain redhead in her thoughts. "This group needs a lot of work, more than a set-list change and a brief sharing time. If we're going win - If we're going to achieve anything good - we have to be a lot more considerate and respectful of each other. Starting now.”

Aubrey took a deep breath, ignoring Jessica's skeptical look. “I didn't really share anything today, either. I know it was hinted at that I don't have the best relationship with my father, and it's true. But that wouldn't have been my secret. I wouldn't have had the guts to say it today, but... but I'm in love with Chloe.” The words feel so liberating, now that she's said them out loud. She should feel panicked, because _did she really just share her most-kept secret with someone she really didn't know that well_ , but the weight that lifted from her shoulders felt incredible.

Jessica gave Aubrey a disbelieving smile, “Really? I thought.. Um, this is awkward, but I thought you were already with Chloe.”

Aubrey frowned. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Jessica looked even more uncomfortable, “at the beginning of the year, at least. Just by the way you two interacted, I assumed... I mean, it looked like there was something there, but like you guys were keeping it a secret or something?”

“Well if you saw anything between us, then you obviously must have picked up on Chloe and Beca.”

“It was none of my business,” Jessica shrugged. “And soon enough, all the drama in the group built up to the point where it was healthier to just focus on the choreography and singing rather than everyone else.”

“Oh.”

Silence overcame them again. Aubrey's mind was rapidly going through all of her interactions with Chloe from earlier in the year, trying to see if they really gave off that impression. Was the impression given off by both of them? Or just her? If it was both them, then maybe, just maybe, there was the slight possibility that Chloe might feel, or have felt, something stronger than friendship towards her...?

“I have anxiety,” Jessica again spoke suddenly. “That would have been my secret. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed in my sophomore year of high school after I had a nervous breakdown in my math class over a problem I couldn't solve.”

“Really? I mean, um-”

“I'm not crazy or anything,” she interrupted. “I just get anxious about a lot of things, a lot of those things being really trivial and silly things that no one else worries about. Sometimes it gets really bad, like, it physically makes me sick, or stops me from doing things, but I've mostly got it under control.”

Memories flashed back to Aubrey of past rehearsals. “Is that why you're always wringing your hands?”

Jessica pushed her hands down further into her coat pockets. “Yeah. I've been doing that since I was really young. My mom has a lot of pictures of me as young as six, playing with my hands. Um,” she nervously looked over at Aubrey, “I really hope this won't make you think any less of me. When most people hear about something like this, they assume “mental illness” and that the person is unstable or crazy. And I really don't want this to define what anyone thinks of me.”

Aubrey offered a comforting (or, what she hoped looked comforting) smile. “Hey, I just told you that I'm in love with my best friend. My story plays out like some sort of angst-filled teenage drama. If anything, your story shows that you're a smart, and very strong young woman. I have a new-found respect for you, Jessica. I'm just the girl who can't keep her life together, all while pining over someone who only has eyes for someone else.”

“You know, Aubrey, my first impression of you was that you were some crazy control freak with a thirst for Treble blood. But as the year progressed, I realized that you were just someone who cares an awful lot. You just have a very intense, unconventional way of showing it. And if it means anything,” Jessica offered a smile, “Chloe really does care a lot about you. Maybe what she feels for Beca is different than what she feels for you, but underneath it all, she does love you.”

Jessica was right, Aubrey knew. Chloe had never failed to try and be there for her; Aubrey just had unreasonable expectations for her. Chloe was her own person, and was entitled to her own life and opinions. And just perhaps, Aubrey was underestimating what her best friend had to offer her.

Aubrey returned the smile. “You're pretty smart, has anyone ever told you that?”

“Maybe once or twice. Now come on, it's cold out here, and I'm tired.”

“You know,” Aubrey said as they continued to walk, “this isn't any excuse for you to be late for rehearsal tomorrow. We've got a lot of work to do.”

“Yes ma'am.”


End file.
